Monday, May 28, 2018

Dear Satan, I failed at sodomy...

HAIL SATANNNNN! HAIL SMM SMM!!!! I praise you dark and unholy lord!!!

Dear Satan,

You will be pleased with everything I am going to tell you. I have failed at my natural form of birth control, sodomy!!! I have fornicated the right way and the outcome is, I'm now bearing a satanic child! At first I didn't know how to feel, but now I am A-Okay with it. The fact that he was created in sin and is illegitimate is the perfect ingredient for another slave of the unholy lord. I can't really do the things I could before. Like some of my sideshow stunts. But I continue to be death defying 👻! My thoughts on the feelings of being pregnant.......It sucks! I love to feel the child move and kick me, but I don't like being fat and in pain. I have breasts now too. I take back ever being envious of busty girls. It sucks! Not only that, I can't sleep, everything I eat disagrees with me, my stomach is in the way, and well, it's all together uncomfortable. I cannot wait til it's over. I sure picked a fine time to fornicate. I'll be pregnant alllllll summer long 😥😥😥. But forever yours and Smm Smm I remain! I can't wait to talk about all the experiences of being a pregnant satanist clown! 🎈🎈🎈 That's all for now.

Love Dreadfully,

Clawdette Smm Smm

Hail Satan! HAIL SMM SMM!

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Letters To Satan 4: I want to leave the planet 🌎

HAIL SATAN!!!! HAIL SMM SMM!!!! I PRAISE YOU DARK AND UNHOLY LORD!
Dear Satan,
I want to leave the planet! I can't take these humans anymore. People tell me that I'm "going the wrong way", but soooooo are they. You are the mastermind behind their wicked ways and they can't even thank you for it. When will people realize that they can't do Godly things and satanic things and then call themselves children of God. There's a very fine line between "nobody's perfect". I've embraced my imperfection and have continued to go along with it. Instead of purposely doing shitty things and then blaming it on being imperfect. I'd like to be in a universe where people aren't mindless little drones that gobble up anything you tell them is the truth. Although we'll all know the truth when the end of the world gets here. And that's very soon I'm sure. The world has turned into one political toilet and the humans who really believe that stuff are just the unflushed piss and shit keeping that toilet company. When will they realize that you unholy lord are why there are human leaders? Even though I worship you I do believe in God. And God is also very angry at this world. But he made it and this is where we are. He is mad at his own creations and maybe some of us just don't think that's fair. Considering he gave us the ability to think anyhow for ourselves. It's like a huge game of chess being played all over the world. Only I don't wish to be one of the players anymore. That's all for now until the next letter.
Love,
Clawdette Smm Smm ❤

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

What's With all The Anal???

Hail Satan!!!! Hail Smm Smm!!!! I praise you dark and unholy Lord!!!!

Hello Satan!! Hi readers of which there are probably none 🎃!

Seriously what is with all this talk of sodomy coming from me the devil woman? Why is it every other week or day am I making so many anal sex jokes or posting word pictures about the forbidden sex!??? What the fuck is wrong with me? You may ask. I'll tell you what's wrong. I'm a fucking pervert 🎃. Two, it twas another experiment that has turned into another one of my things. And seriously who doesn't enjoy anal? It's funny. And I'm clown. I am all about funny. Oh and it hurts too sometimes 🎃🎃🎃🎃.

So ya know how I've mentioned plenty of times that only old people think my jokes are funny? The younger people just don't seem to get my jokes. I mean when I really look at it, they are corny but clean jokes. I always hated when ever I see a comedienne though, that they just can't fucking perform a comedy skit without telling the same old sex jokes, period jokes, and of course talking about vagina this vagina that. I never want to resort to that kinda thing just to get people to like my performances on stage or when I street perform. I think my skills are talented enough to intrigue people. But even if not I really don't care, because it doesn't stop me from continuing to do it.

So here's what I had decided to do. My joke telling online wasn't really getting a kick. Which I thought was funny. I'm like "I wouldn't like my corny jokes either" 😄😄😄. But one day I was just scrolling through spacebook and looking at the same old bullshit I usually see. And I'm like, I betcha if I told sex jokes people would getta kick outta that. And what's the funniest sex jokes but anal sex and blow job jokes. And wouldn't ya know almost everyone thinks it's funny. So basically adding sexual content to any joke makes it almost instantly funny these days. Rats! I liked my joke about the upside down cake 😒😒😒. So looking at my scale, I got more laughs telling anal jokes than spider jokes. Fuck this world!!!

Not only is it fun to joke about anal, but it's the best free birth control ever!!!! Sure sitting down might be painful for a few days, but think about it. You don't have to feel the pain of child birth instead! Satan wants you to practice sodomy. It's stress relieving for you and your partner. Even if your partner just happens to be a dildo, a pineapple, or gerbil or some other type of rodent 🐭. You'll never have to pull out again! Just wash really good before and after. God is just trying to keep you from this fun activity.* 🎈🎈🎈🎈🎃🎉🎉🌟✨

*these opinions were not determined by Mayonnaise Clinic. Please consult with your doctor before trying anal sex. Non doctor paid spokesclown 🎈

That's all for now!

Hail Satan! Hail Smm Smm!! Shemhanforash!!!!

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Letters to Satan 3: It's not easy being Satanic

HAILLLLLL SATANNNNN!!!! DARK AND UNHOLY LORD I PRAISE YOU!!!

Dear Satan,


SIIIIIIIIIGH!!!!! It's totally not easy being satanic in a world where people don't realize that they are satanists too. Why won't people just embrace you and admit what they are like I have. They must be afraid of fake hell!!! Haha! You gave us all this fun stuff to do here on earth and we sinful souls can't help but to do it because it's our nature. So Satan, I have been smoking cigarettes for the past two months. Not constantly but in moderation. I used myself as an experiment to see what changes when you smoke cigarettes. So far here's what I have experienced:

1. You smell like cigarettes- No matter how much gum you chew and perfume or cologne you put on, you reek of lung suckers! Plus, when other people smell like them you can't even tell anymore.

2. They dry out your fucking nose and mouth!!!- Fuck do I ever have to moisturize my nostrils like a lunatic!! And now I get why my brother always had something to drink when he smoked. 🚬

3. You chisel your wallet!!!- Even though I don't feel the need to smoke, during this experiment it felt like every week and half I felt the need to buy a pack. Even though one pack lasted me a week in the beginning. Towards the end of this month, it was like a pack after 4 days! I coulda had a new tarantula by now!!!

4. Cigarettes made me more self aware- I don't know about most smokers, but I have felt a lot more down on myself and insecure during the experiment. Checking my teeth, sniffing my hair, using fucking eye drops. It's exhausting!! And I don't know if I should cheer or feel like crud, but I have gotten hit on a lot less.

Anyhow Satan, readers, the experiment is over. Now I can see from a smokers point of view and cough 😀. But all smokers are different. Like I said, I don't feel the need to smoke. I can smoke one day and not do it for the next two weeks. And not feel like I'm missing anything. Other than the 4 things I described above. Smoking definitely was brought to us by you Satan. I'll miss the 5 minute breaks at work 😞😞😞😞😞! I mean, why respect life anyhow if where just "going to die" 🎃🎃🎃. That was meant to be funny by the way. I also notice that most smokers usually call themselves "people of God". Hahaha! What a joke! According to God, killing yourself is a sin. The irony. Surrounded by oblivious Satanists who feel like they're worshipping God! 🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃 That's all for now.

Hail Satan!!!! Hail Smm Smm!!! Shemhamforash!!!!!

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Satan Letters 2: Begging for Eternal Winter

HAIIIILLL SATAN!!!! HAILLLL SMM SMM!!! I praise you dark and unholy lord!!!!

Dear Satan,

This weekend it was Jesus Christ's fake birthday. And the "people of God" celebrated it anyway. Talk about serving one master lol. The weather is disgusting. No snow at all and it is a shame. I want a winter to last for months and months!!! A foot of snow everyday!!! Is there a ritual to bring on the snow? If there is, send it to me. This is December. I remember when I first moved to this state on the opposite side, it would snow in October. There was always ice storms and snow all over the fucking place!!! What happened to the seasons????! Perhaps a little has to do with the ozone layer, or perhaps our planet is tilted the wrong way. Whatever it may be dark lord, please bring us eternal winter!!!! ❄ ❄ ❄ The satanic fire keeps me warm throughout the whole time.

Yours satanic and truly,

Clawdette Smm Smm🎃🎃🎃🎃

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Letters to Satan 1

Haiiiiiil Satan!!!!! HAILLLLLL Smm Smm!!!! Praise our dark and unholy lord!!!!

HI!!!

Dear Satan,

Today is a beautiful miserable cold winter day! Just exactly like I like it. It is another great day to be a sinner here on planet earth. I'm writing because it's been a while. I have been going through some mild depression lately and trying so hard to overcome it by talking to you and the demons. I haven't given my tarantulas the attention I usually do. They are mad. I have been slacking on my stretching, my balloon making, and so many other things that are important to me. I also haven't been in contact much with my satanic sister The Blind Satanist and encouraging people to adopt Smm Smm. I will get right back to it anyhow. It's already in progress. All these lousy humans surrounding me are distracting me from what is important and from keeping me awake to the truth about the Earth's future. Everyone is rising against each other over politics. None of them realize they are just doing your work. The violence, the evil, everything in YOU. As I always say, people are Satanists and don't even realize it 🎃. If only people can see that sinning without trying to make up for it is so much easier than walking on air. And by walking on air I mean, repenting. Because in this world very few sincerely want to be a true person of God. There is too much hypocrisy. And we're all not exempt. So I will forever remain one of yours. We are too close to ending there is no way back. That's all for now. Shemhamforash.

Clawdette Smm Smm

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Lets talk about Spiders baby!

Haiiiiiil Satannnnnnnnn!!!!! Praise Smm Smm!!! Shemhamforash!!!

To my readers of which there are probably none,

Hola Bonjour!!!! I wanna talk about spiders and what they have to do with me. Arachnids are a big deal to me. Like a REALLLY BIG FUCKING DEAL. Arachnids are my first family. My tarantulas are the family I never had. I love and adore all Arachnids. Specifically spiders, scorpions, and orpiones (daddy long legs or harvestmen).

I have dreams about my tarantulas all the time. My current tarantulas that I do have are Izzy my female Gramastola rosea. Jellybean, my male Chromatopelma cyaneopubecens. Leeloo, my female Gramastola pulchripes. Last, Otto my male Gramastola rosea. I am hoping to extend my Arachnid family some more.

Here's the deal, Spiders especially are like what puppies and kittens are to you probably. I don't like mammal creatures and it's hard for me to find anything cute about them. So show me all you want but I think they're gross. I fell in love with spiders when I was a little girl coming from NYC to country ass Pennsylvania. I didn't know such beauties existed until I came to the poconos to visit while in foster care. From then on, I studied. I started with getting books from the library to going outside digging for spiders. Most of the time I'd find the wrong bug. Because I was the brave one not afraid to pick up the bugs in the house, and I was always getting caught talking to roaches and ants, I quickly went from killing them to taking them outside alive. I then took a break from my spider craze and became obsessed with jellyfish and volcanoes 😄😄😄. Then 7th grade came along and my science teacher happen to have a beautiful black tarantula that snapped me outta jelly volcano land, and then I fell in love again 😍😍😍😍!!!

When people tell me about how they killed a spider last night, or how they "accidentally" squished or sprayed it, I'll admit, I get infuriated 😡😡😡. I don't wanna hear that shit. These are the creatures I raise and breed. It's been like 7 years. I think about if my tarantulas weren't with me, what some inconsiderate slimebag would do to them. I keep all spiders safe and welcome them all in my home. They are not dirty. I'm not afraid of venom or getting bit. That's not how it is. My Spider Power website explains all. I'll talk more. For my highschool senior project, a 7th grade teacher lent me her class for a whole period, and I taught the whole class about spiders. I even bought a tarantula preserved in a clear block for them to pass around. My adopted sister and two other friends were my helpers as I took the stage. Also I ended it with spider designed cookies made by my best friend and a spider word search I put together for the kids. It was good time.

I think more people should know the TRUTH and more about arachnids. And that's what I'm gonna do! Spread the web of the spider word! It's what Satan made me for. Oh and for being a clown and just a fucking weirdo in general.

That's it for now! Hail Satan!!!

Oh, and if you haven't, ask me more about my Satanic Sister's Smm Smm cards so that you too can adopt him into your hearts! 🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

Image below is of Izzy's most previous moult!